When Motherhood feels heavy
The last few weeks have been some of my hardest in my time as a mother. It’s not hard to pinpoint why the juggling act is getting harder. I am adding more things to my to do list and less on my what others can do to help me list (I don’t think I had one of these to begin with). I love my children more than anything. They are my reason why and are at the forefront of every decision I make. Lately things have felt heavy and the responsibilities that weigh on me are heavy. Like most mums,I experience the roller coaster of motherhood. The ups and the downs, the joys and the sorrows and sometimes the light…and the heavy.
I have been reading recently about the mental load that so many mums carry, often alone. The expectations of mothers to remember all the things. What’s for dinner, lunch, snack 1,2 & 10, making sure clothes are washed for daycare/school, pay the mortgage, make sure I book child one into the dentist, sign the permission note, check there is bread for lunches, find time to commit to that work project so that no one questions your capacity as a working mum, worry about whether anyone noticed I was late to the meeting today because I couldn’t get child two to put on their shoes, panic about if i’m doing a good job raising my boys to be decent human beings. The list is endless and so often are the thoughts. They are heavy. Sometimes too heavy.
Its 8:50pm as I sit here and write this. My younger son screams as maybe he isn’t tired enough or maybe he is overtired. Either way he doesn’t want to sleep. The days and even nights seems relentless. The last few days have been filled with high fevers, tantrums, constant night waking, tantrums, bickering, night feeds, did I mention tantrums and sheer exhaustion. I’m bone tired. My promises of healthy eating and regular exercise have been replaced with thoughts of when sleep might come again. I dare not voice this out loud for fear of being told how lucky I am and that one day I will miss this. I know it. It’s true and the guilt of that makes me feel even worse. It doesn’t always feel this way but today, it feels heavy.
I don’t say this to complain as I’m forever grateful that I have been blessed with two healthy, happy and awesome human beings to call my own, but I would be lying if I said that I felt a constant elation and gratitude and didn’t sometimes wish for the lightness and freedom of my pre kid life. I know i’m not alone in these thoughts and I want others to know that its okay to feel like this sometimes. It doesn’t make us less. It just makes us human. Some days seem more than I think I am capable of, yet I manage to make it through. In the hard I am growing.
The advice I would give to a Mum feeling this way would be to take a break, rest when you can, do something you love to do (on your own), catch up with a girlfriend, nourish and move your body and be kind to yourself. I love the thought of all these suggestions yet with no family support, it’s difficult to make many of these things happen, so one needs to be creative. Instead I will:
Breathe (both in and out)
Enjoy my coffee sitting down (best joke I’ve heard all day)
Go to bed earlier (this is a lie)
Make healthier choices (do not buy chocolate as I have no willpower - this too is a lie)
Remember that this too shall pass (let’s hope this is not a lie)
Tell myself I am doing an amazing job because let’s face it, all mums are amazing in their own right.
Ahhhh. I feel lighter already.
What do you do when #mumlife feels heavy? Share with me in the comments how you survive those relentless days, weeks, months (lets hope not years).